Letter to the 15 year old me.
I am looking at you from an imaginary time curtain. Just like Mathew McConaughey saw himself across the library wall in Interstellar. I am silly, how would you know? You are yet to see the movie. Or have you seen it? ‘Cos I am you! Okay…let’s not confuse ourselves. You have enough confusions to deal with already.
Hey, you know what? When I was you, you wanted to be me. But now that I am here, I envy you. I want to be you!
You were eager to step out of home into the world. I – want to go back home – in that cosy childhood room, where cold-coffees magically appeared on exam nights, where you wrote slogans like “The more you sweat in peace, the more you bleed in war”, where you listened to Munnabhai MBBS’ “Chhan Chhan” every night in PLs before the 12th exam.
You were good, you know?! You didn’t have to burden yourself with everyone’s expectations of your score in HSC. I wish I was there to tell you that. You did the right thing by whiling away 11th – eating samosas on the road everyday after college, trying to get permission to see the frog dissection in Biology class – just because you were curious, getting all cheeky when teachers shooed you outta class for something you’d not done and then smiling when they acknowledged that they got to know that you weren’t the mischief maker.
You gave your best towards life. You tried to indulge in sports, you spent evenings on the terrace waiting for the first star to appear, you played your heart out on the snowy cotton that used to be at our place every Ginning season.
Hey, how did I forget Chunky! You made your best friend at 15. Chunky, the great – who grew up from a kitten to a mother cat to a veteran grandma cat. She was your sole companion in happiness and sadness. I think she’s the one who made me what I am. She taught you to be fearless (as a kitten), to keep your inner child alive (as a grown-up cat), to learn to detach from worries (when she hunted – all focused or when she rested – all carefree). Now, I have most of those traits. (Only, I lack in the physical fitness department – she was a great athlete! I am not. 😛 )
You know you liked a boy from your class? Aah…I know what you’ll say – “Everyone likes a boy from their class when they’re 15”. I agree. It’s that magical an age, isn’t it? I just wanted to tell you that you are now married to him! Awesome…eh?
So yeah, that’s pretty much what I gotta tell you right now. You’ve turned out okay…not as famous or successful as you had imagined. But you’ve got most of your dreams fulfilled. You wanted to be an engineer – you are one. You wanted to get married to a guy who fulfilled your checklist – he does. What’s more…you knew him already! You wanted to write – you’re doing that. You wanted work to be interesting – you love your work. (Politics, movies, RAW; you ask? Oh, who knows! They may happen as well. 🙂 )
I just want one thing from you. Give me the hope you had for life ahead. For you, every year ahead was a possibility. Yet, you weren’t freaked out by the unknown. You loved to wake up and LIVE the day fully. I do that too…but I get tired – physically and mentally. I think too much kiddo. Give me your ability to block worrisome thoughts and live in the moment. You’ll do that for me, won’t you?
The 28 year old you.